-Thank you, everybody.
Thank you so much. My name is Mike Vecchione.
I’m 100% Italian. [ Laughter ]
Thank you. That’s never helped me in my life at all. The only time I tell people
now is when I give blood ’cause they’re like,
“What’s your blood type?” I’m like, “Funny you should ask.
It’s 100% Italian.” They’re like, “That’s not at all
what we mean.” I’m like, “It’s what I mean
’cause I want my blood to go to somebody eating, yelling, or
holding a grudge for no reason.” [ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you. Thank you. My father had
a gambling problem. He lost our house when I was 11,
but he didn’t come home and say, “I lost the house.”
He came home and said, “Mike, how would you
like to go camping forever?” [ Laughter ] There’s no help for gamblers. There’s one sign as you drive
into Las Vegas — says, “Gambling problem?
Please call this number.” That’s ineffective.
It should at least say, “Gambling problem? I bet you
won’t call this number.” [ Laughter ]
Thank you, because these people have
a gambling problem. Thank you. [ Applause ] [ Sighs ] I’m in my 40s,
and, millennials, you’re here. Thank you for being here.
Thank you for paying attention. I know it’s really hard
for your people. [ Laughter ] You’re probably on 12 different
kinds of medications to make that happen, from the
articles that I’ve read, and I know you have tough jobs
as gluten-free web designers and vegan Uber drivers,
Bitcoin Venmo managers. [ Laughter ] There were five jobs I could
have got when I got out of high school —
five that I could have had. There was a band called
the Village People. Those were your job choices.
[ Laughter ] I was an Indian chief
from 1991 to 1995. [ Cheers and applause ]
That’s true. That’s actually true, everybody. [ Sighs ] I think what
I’m talking about is diversity, everybody.
That’s the name of the game in show business right now.
It’s diversity. My manager calls me up.
He’s like, “Mike, is there “anything in your background
that could give us some much-needed diversity?” I’m like, “Well, I’m 100%
Italian. Does that help?” He’s like, “Actually, that hurts
us a lot, “So if you could not mention
that again, that would be a big help.” He’s like, “What about what’s
going on inside of you? Is there any diversity there?”
[ Laughter ] I’m like, “What do you mean?”
He’s like, “With your feelings. Like, sometimes do you
feel like a woman…” [ Laughter ]
“…that is trapped inside of a man’s body? Because that’s
a story we could tell.” I’m like, “No, that’s not really
happening.” [ Laughter ]
But I was born C-section. So I was a man who was trapped
inside of a woman’s body. [ Laughter and applause ]
Yeah. Thank you. Thank you, ladies. Thank you.
Thank you. [ Applause ] Guys, we have to be better
to these ladies, okay? We have to be better.
[ Cheering ] Thank you. We have to be better,
because they deserve it, and they will get revenge.
[ Laughter ] I read this article.
The police in Florida found a severed penis on the side of
the road with a condom on it. I’m like, wow, that guy was
worried about the wrong things. [ Laughter ]
Thank you. [ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you, Roots. Thank you. [ Applause ] [ Laughter ] I was the victim
of bad birth order growing up. I was the second-born
male child. My parents had my brother. They’re like,
“I guess we’re having kids. We have a boy.
Let’s try for a girl.” Then they had me. They were
like, “Let’s try again.” Then they had my sister.
They’re like, “We got it. Our boy, and our girl.” [ Laughter ]
“But now we have this extra kid, who we can really roll the dice
with, you know?” ‘Cause my father had
a gambling problem. I don’t know if I mentioned
that. Pretty sure my father… [ Applause ] Thank you. [ Cheers and applause ] [ Clears throat ] We had a dog
when I was growing up, and the dog used to bite me
occasionally, and now if a dog growls at a kid, he’s gone. This dog used to bite me…
occasionally. [ Laughter ]
So I went to my parents. I’m like, “Hey,
the dog is biting me.” They’re like, “We understand
that, but your brother “and your sister really
like the dog. He’s part of our family now.
We are going to keep him.” I’m like, “Well, what’s the
plan? Are we going to keep him in a cage when I’m around?
Are we going to retrain him?” My parents are like, “We do not
have the money for that. Just be careful.”
[ Laughter ] So, they started me on
anti-anxiety medication, ’cause you tend to have anxiety
when there’s a wild beast in your home that attacks you
occasionally. [ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you. [ Applause ] But it made me wet the bed. It made me wet the bed,
so I stopped taking it, I started tonguing it.
I started feeding it to the dog under the table.
[ Laughter ] Then he started having
accidents, and then my parents got rid of him. [ Laughter and applause ] And as he was being led away,
our eyes met. He nodded to me as if to say,
“Well played.” He knew he had been beaten by
a superior mammal. You guys are fantastic.
[ Cheers and applause ] Thank you so much. You guys
are the best. Thank you. ♪♪♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] -Mike Vecchione!
His comedy album, “Muscle Confusion”
is available on iTunes.